Emergency Declaration

Apartment National Emergency Declaration

This notification is official as it is an announcement that I am declaring a national emergency in my apartment. For years, the underwear in one of my drawers has made territorial advances and has been severely encroaching another closet that houses accessories complimenting said underwear. Regardless of all attempts to keep a legal separation, and even with historical mandates controlling undesirable immigration of underwear or other articles of clothing like socks, which we all know are generally brown in color for most men and are known to somehow lose themselves among the general clothing population, from migrating, it is now necessary to declare this national emergency. Since there are no outside sources of money willing to absorb the costs of paying money to maintain the sanctity of my clothing, no help from other closets willing to pay up front and since my clothing is continuously being influenced by outside forces who have a past as we all know are of the very worst nature, I have decided to place said underwear in another drawer removed from other drawers and closets so there is no access any longer and so that identity and underwear culture remains pure. I understand that this is a dangerous precedent that can be challenged by shirts and pants especially those with varied colored schemes arguing exclusion, however it is my God given right to overrule and march against any clothing which resist my rights. My legacy will clearly show that I will have been in the right and did what was necessary to preserve the integrity of my wardrobe.

Steven Pelcman