“We have the best government that money can buy.”
On Becoming a Writer
“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”
“Only the shallow know themselves.”
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”
Rita Mae Brown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.”
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
On Marriage and Relationships
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police."
Robert Louis Stevenson
"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."
On Varied Topics
“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
“A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.”
“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The pleasure is in having lots to do, and not doing it.”
John W. Raper
John W. Raper
“I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
“In America, anyone can become President, that's the risk you take.”
“She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.”
“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.”
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”
“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”
“Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe. “