Quotes and Jokes

On Government

“We have the best government that money can buy.”

Mark Twain

On Becoming a Writer

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

Dorothy Parker

On Self-Knowledge

“Only the shallow know themselves.”

Oscar Wilde

On Judgment

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”

Rita Mae Brown

On Exercise

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

Joan Rivers

On Patriotism

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.”

Bertrand Russell

On Marriage

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

On Marriage and Relationships

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police."

Robert Louis Stevenson

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."

Oscar Wilde

On Varied Topics

“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
Sam Levenson

“A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.”
David Brenner

“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The pleasure is in having lots to do, and not doing it.”
John W. Raper

“I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
Jackie Mason

“In America, anyone can become President, that's the risk you take.”
Aldai Stevenson

“She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.”
Tommy Manville

“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.”
August Strindberg

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

Bob Monkhouse

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

Oscar Wilde

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”

Mark Russell

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

Steve Martin

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Anonymous

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

Emo Philips

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

Socrates

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

Al Mcguire

“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.”

Anonymous

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

Rod Stewart

“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Bob Hope

 “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”

José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe. “

Albert Einstein