Thursday, April 6, 2017

Quotes and Jokes

On Government

“We have the best government that money can buy.”

Mark Twain

On Becoming a Writer

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

Dorothy Parker

On Self-Knowledge

“Only the shallow know themselves.”

Oscar Wilde

On Judgment

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”

Rita Mae Brown

On Exercise

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

Joan Rivers

On Patriotism

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.”

Bertrand Russell

On Marriage

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

On Marriage and Relationships

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police."
Robert Louis Stevenson

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."
Oscar Wilde

On Varied Topics

“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
Sam Levenson

“A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.”
David Brenner

“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The pleasure is in having lots to do, and not doing it.”
John W. Raper

“I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
Jackie Mason

“In America, anyone can become President, that's the risk you take.”
Aldai Stevenson

“She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.”
Tommy Manville

“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.”
August Strindberg

Bob Monkhouse

Oscar Wilde

Mark Russell

Steve Martin


Emo Philips


Al Mcguire


Rod Stewart

Bob Hope

Albert Einstein

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